Madame Frostbrew’s Miraculous Menopause Elixir - Recipe Included

A Seasonal Brew for the Slightly Scorched Witch

If you're reading this, congratulations.You’ve either survived your latest hot flash or you’ve just Googled “menopause spells that actually work.” Either way, welcome.

Today we offer a recipe from the long-lost (recently rediscovered behind a dusty wine rack) Grimoire of Madame Frostbrew, the infamous 17th-century hedgewitch who once froze an entire village simply by sighing too hard during a hot flash.

We call this her Miraculous Menopause Elixir.She called it Oh Bloody Hell, Not Again.

What You’ll Need

• Three snowdrops, picked at midnight under a waning moon (frosted tips preferred)

• One handful of penguin feathers, ethically molted - this is menopause, not murder

• Two cups of Arctic wind, bottled during the winter solstice• Four glacier ice cubes, aged at least a thousand years (or however old you feel today)

• One sprig of wintergreen, blessed by a slightly annoyed polar bear• Five drops of mermaid tears (North Atlantic only - they’re chillier)

• Two tablespoons powdered aurora borealis

• One whisper from a snow queen

• Three pieces of cumulus cloud fluff from the highest peak you can’t be bothered to climb

Method

Begin your brew on a sweltering afternoon when you’re already questioning the very concept of sleeves.

1. Place your cauldron under the shade of a dramatic tree. Weeping willows work best.

2. Pour in the Arctic wind while humming Winter Wonderland backwards. If the air swirls clockwise, you’ve accidentally summoned summer. Start over.

3. Drop in glacier ice cubes, one at a time, chanting:

   “Hot flashes, hot flashes, go away. Come again some other - no, actually, never come again at all.”

4. Sprinkle powdered aurora in a figure-eight motion while performing the Frigid Fandango in ice skates. Yes, skates. No, socks are not a substitute.

5. Add penguin feathers and snowdrops, but don’t sneeze. A sneeze mid-brew may result in temporary transformation into a hot water bottle.

6. Stir with a frozen icicle wand under the full moon while the snow queen whispers mildly condescending affirmations in your ear.

7. Finally, add mermaid tears and cloud fluff. The potion should now emit a faint, frosty mist and possibly a snowflake or two. If it starts giving you attitude, it’s ready.

   
   

To Administer

Take one tablespoon at the first sign of facial combustion.May be stirred into tea, wine, or your enemy’s drink as required.

Side Effects May Include

• Spontaneous igloo formation

• The ability to understand penguin gossip

• Speaking exclusively in frost metaphors

• A craving for popsicles and power

• Temporary immunity to dragon breath, political debates, and gaslighting

Warning

Do not store near phoenix nests, space heaters, or anyone named Chad who says “just power through it.”

If exposed to direct sunlight or an unsolicited opinion about your age, retreat immediately to the nearest walk-in freezer and reconsider your entire social circle.

You’ll know it’s working when your hot flashes are replaced by a mild breeze, your aura develops a faint shimmer of frost, and you find yourself followed by a small parade of emotionally supportive penguins.

Hot flash? Witch, chill.