Reasoning with Rage

One day, years ago before I knew what the hell was going on with myself, I lost my shit on my family as they left the house that morning. My daughter was sent to school wondering what had become of her mom and my husband was probably silently Googling “divorce lawyers’.

Once the rage washed away, I was just left with a ton of shame and resentment. I spent the day in tears feeling torn apart by guilt and self-hatred. I had no idea what was happening to me, and I had no one to talk to. In fact, I just assumed I was falling apart for no apparent reason. I didn’t think there was anyone who could help me.

So, my doctor put me on an anti-depressant, and I felt neither pain nor real joy. That’s what started my quest for answers and the holy grail was ‘perimenopause.’ What the fuck? There was already a name for it, and no one told me? Not my doctor? Not the media, not anyone who had gone before me and knew it had a name? Queue in the rage again.

Does any of this sound familiar? You’re in your 40s or 50s. Maybe your body is shifting. Maybe your mind feels a bit off-balance. One moment you’re fine and the next you’re furious. Not just at anyone in particular – just at air particles or something you read online. And while you’re crumbling on the inside, you have to put on your Stepford Wife face and keep your shit together for everyone else around you.

No, you’re not losing your mind. You’ve just been ripped off by lack of information. Here’s what’s going on: a new study from the Seattle Midlife Women’s Health Study (SMWHS) sheds light on how anger and emotional arousal behave in women as they progress through midlife, the menopause transition, and beyond.

So, let’s break it down because we all deserve to understand.  

What the research found

• Among more than 500 women aged 35-55, scores for things like State Anger (how angry you feel in the moment) and Trait Anger (your tendency to be angry) changed as these women aged and moved through reproductive-aging stages.

  
  

• Aggressive expression of anger, hostility, and what the study calls “Anger Temperament” (i.e., getting angry without much trigger) decreased significantly with age.

  
  

• However, one type of anger, suppressed anger (holding it in) did not decline with age. Why am I not at ALL surprised?

  
  

• So basically, as we (women) move through midlife, some of the outward fire may mellow, but the internal simmering, the tension of “not showing it” or “feeling out of control”, can still be very real.

  
  

“Women’s anger traits significantly decrease with age starting at midlife… Only anger suppressed was not related to age.” The Menopause Society

What’s that got to do with you?

• That jumpiness. That irritability when you think you shouldn’t be pissed. It’s not you failing. It’s this transition.

  
  

• The fact you feel less “explosive” might be good but if you’re holding things in, that can cost you too (think: mood, relationships, health, channeling your inner Lorena Bobbitt).

  
  

• Your body + hormones + life-load (work, family, caregiving) = a cocktail. And anger is often part of that cocktail, not a flaw in you.

  
  

• You’re not becoming a “mad mid-life monster”. Ironically, you might be developing more emotional control. The study found women got better at managing anger as they moved through these stages.

  
  

Here are things you can do. This isn’t fluff or woo-woo. It’s grounded, realistic, and you can start today.

1. Name the anger (and its context)

• Ask yourself: “When did I feel the anger? What triggered it? What part of me was trying to speak - even if I didn’t let it?”

  
  

• Keep a simple diary for a week: when you’re irritable, and what else was going on (sleep, work stress, caregiving, body pain, hot flash).

  
  

• Why: The research shows anger in this phase often links to internal conditions + life stress + hormonal shifts, not just ‘bad behaviour’.

  
  

2. Move the body, shift the charge

• Physical activity isn’t just about weight or cardio - it influences mood, hormone regulation, and stress levels.

  
  

• Try even 20 minutes of movement that you enjoy (walk, dance, boxing, whatever) most days. Don’t worry about the 10K steps for now. Let’s get regulated first.

  
  

• Bonus: Let your movement be a “safe release valve” for that simmering energy.

  
  

3. Practice “express-but-not‐explode” communication

• When you feel anger rising: Pause. Breathe. Choose your moment. Box breathing is super helpful here.

  
  

• Use “I” statements: “I feel frustrated when…” rather than “You always…”

  
  

• One study notes: As women age, expression decreases even when feelings exist. So channeling, not suppressing, is key.

  
  

4. Build your midlife-emotion toolbox

• Mind-body practices work: Try mindful breathing, body scan, or progressive muscle relaxation (especially when you feel “out of control”).

  
  

• Consider counselling or group support focused on midlife transitions (identity + health + emotion).

  
  

• Get familiar with books/podcasts on midlife emotional health: you’re not the only one navigating this.

  
  

• TALK to your friends. We women have a way of creating strong communities that help get each other through. Midlife needs a village too.

  
  

5. Talk to a health professional (when needed)

• While we’re not offering medical advice, it’s worth knowing: if anger is frequent, intense, accompanied by mood shifts, sleep disruption, or physical symptoms (palpitations, rapid heartbeat), it’s worth raising with your provider. And if that doesn’t get you anywhere – hit me up and I’ll help direct you to some resources.

  
  

• The study authors emphasize that emotion regulation during and after the menopausal transition deserves more attention.

  
  

Resource-List for Further Help

• The Menopause Society has educational content on emotional and mental health changes during menopause.

  
  

• Local counselling or therapy groups that specialize in women’s midlife transitions.

  
  

• A trusted book: any recent credible book on midlife emotional health (look for authors with experience in menopause + mental health).

  
  

• Community: Online forums/groups for women 40+ navigating menopause, identity, change - because hearing "me too" helps.

  
  

• Our RESOURCE PAGE is loaded with great resources

  
  

I always have to have the last word…

You’re not imagining this. The frustration, the irritability, the “WHY am I snapping at the small stuff?” It’s real. It’s valid. And by understanding it, you can own it - not let it own you.

What stuck out for me is the bright side of the research that says this doesn’t mean we stay stuck in anger. It says as you get further into the midlife transition, you often get better at managing it. The outbursts may go down; the wheels start turning in a different way.

But the feelings? They still matter. And your voice still matters. You’re still out there, kicking ass and taking numbers later. You still need your edge – just not the rage.

So next time you feel that internal rumble don’t chalk it up to “just me losing it.” Recognize it, name it, and ask: “What is this telling me about me right now?” That in-the-moment question is power.

And yes, we’re going to keep digging. Because you deserve to see the science, understand the shifts, and step into your next chapter with clarity, not confusion.